🖊 WRITE 🖊

I’ve been imagining myself just sitting on my balcony for a while now. The only thing is, I don’t have an open view because of the buildings around me.

I like to feel seen, but being watched without actually feeling seen triggers a different, unpleasant effect(my abandonment wound perhaps*).

Repetitive small talk forced by circumstance, where people latch onto each other, can sometimes lead to enmeshment—something I deeply fear(because it may trigger my neglect wound**).

So yes, the night, or the very early morning, is kind of my time to be outside. Allowing others access—even if it’s just by watching —creates that outside feeling for me.

Now that it gets dark so early—and maybe even in the summer before sunrise— I could drink a cup of tea. So I’m going to try it. This is it. I get to go outside—something that was on my list.

Thinking about sipping tea on my balcony brings a smile to my face. Even if it’s just one sip. I’m curious how the air will feel—cool, or somewhat warmer compared to a month ago.

Suddenly, I remember that I like stargazing.

But if this were a movie, I’d be out there every evening before bed, staring at the stars with a warm cup of milk, tea or hot chocolate—depending on the season or my mood.

Maybe even lounging on my imaginary balcony bench with canopy(facing away from the street for more privacy) surrounded by subtle balcony lights, with a book. Whether it’s raining or snowing, I’d be outside, covered up, sipping a warm drink and reading my book.

Hygge lifestyle incoming :).

Would that be another set of golden handcuffs—to make a nightcap on the balcony a daily tradition?

Step by step is more my pace, so I’ll take it one moment at a time.

And this time, I took a leap of faith—and survived. I successfully proved my survival mode wrong with this safe experience. It felt awesome to drink tea outside, totally covered up. I even saw a few stars and the moon.

I did experience some over-alertness, yes, but I also had a few moments of just being in my skin.

A gift I got to experience today.

Thankfully.

*

This fear of abandonment—being watched without feeling seen—often leads to me avoiding situations, which then often leads to me being abandoned.

**

This neglect wound—the fear of vulnerability/enmeshment—deepens in this scenario. I feel lonely when in company, without seeming to have the safe space to share meaningful and deep subjects perspectives. So, I prefer to avoid conversation starters or small talk, out of fear of staying in this stage for the rest of our time spent together. Because of my highly sensitive temperament, I need that depth to feel connected, without small talk being a matter of good or bad. This eventually leads to fewer conversation starters from others.