🔥 LORENA 🔥

Deeply flawed

🌪

Now that I’ve come to understand my chaotic, impulsive tendencies a bit better, it’s as though a fog has lifted, revealing a path toward self-discovery and growth. It’s a path I’ve embarked on to fill the void within me, a void born from a lack of certain secure attachments in my past. As I tread this path, I’ve honed the art of self-discipline a little more, a crucial skill in my quest for self-control and personal development.

With each step I take, clarity emerges on the horizon, not just about who I am today but about the beautiful possibilities of my future. It’s a future that extends far beyond the fleeting dopamine rushes I used to seek in indulgence, whether it be in food or other instant gratifications. No, now I catch glimpses of a future that span beyond the boundaries of today, tomorrow, or even the weekend ahead.

One desire that has blossomed within me, like a sturdy sapling, is the longing to become a wise, caring, yet disciplined mother. I envision nurturing a child with utmost care and devotion, and the prospect of building a romantic relationship with a partner who shares that dedication fills me with hope and anticipation. The dream of parenthood has taken root in my heart; it’s more than just a dream—it’s a profound aspiration to provide my future child with a stable and nurturing environment.

As I continue to emerge from the depths of depression, I understand that this climb is neither swift nor linear. It’s a journey that may span a lifetime, marked by incremental progress. I’m committed to this evolution, shaping myself into a person who can offer not only love but also financial, social, emotional stability to my potential child. Even if, in the future, I succeed in maintaining a loving romantic relationship, I’m aware that life can be unpredictable, and circumstances can change. Therefore, my goal is to provide emotional, financial, and social stability for the generation that follows.

I know I won’t be a perfect mother, but my awareness of both my strengths and areas needing improvement equips me with the tools to be the best mother I can be. In terms of time, I approach this endeavor with honesty and patience. I foresee that it may take several years, perhaps until I’m 40, if that opportunity presents itself, to get everything in order. I’ll dedicate approximately five years (I’m 34 now and will be 35 in 3 to 4 months) to find the right romantic partner and make the emotional, social and financial strides necessary to create a stable future for our potential child.

Should circumstances render the natural route impossible, by then, I’ll have grown immeasurably and become more open to the possibility of romantic love. I’ll know that I gave it my all, mourn this loss, and I’ll find more solace in exploring alternative paths to explore my maternal instincts.

This deep-seated desire has been nurtured by my newfound discipline, a discipline that has heightened my self-awareness regarding my needs and aspirations. Recently, I allowed myself the necessary process of grieving and of feeling a sense of belonging. It was her validation, providing me with the strength to be honest about my wish.

I’ve already chosen a name for my future child: Aurora Martilia (followed by the surname of her potential father, my future husband).

The question that lingers is whether I have the courage to fully integrate this aspiration into my life’s plan or whether it will remain a beautiful, yet elusive, dream.

I find myself at a loss, unsure of where to commence and how to embrace this dream with such earnestness that I can craft a meticulous step-by-step plan.

Written with the help of chatGPT🤖