🔥 LORENA 🔥

Deeply flawed

Agreeable

Now, I find myself taking an afternoon nap and stressing about joining the workforce once again. This situation is a source of considerable anxiety. I reflect on all the times I’ve said yes to various treats when someone shares birthday cake because it seems polite to accept. Birthdays can be delicate occasions for people, driven by the desire to feel important and special. Rejecting the cake might make that person feel rejected themselves, so I say yes. Bring on the snowball effect, because it’s not just about that one slice of cake. It’s about the deep valley I plunge into after the sugar rush. My emotions become even more erratic, thanks to my diagnoses in 2018: borderline personality disorder, depression, PMS, PTSD, and avoidant personality disorder. Oh, and I might even inherit type 2 diabetes if I indulge in whatever I want and let this snowball effect continue.

Apart from mood regulation, and my genetic susceptibility, there’s the financial burden. Eating a varied and healthy diet costs money. I often eat the same things because it’s what I can afford. Adding delicious variety while still maintaining portion control is just too expensive. Things like spices or kitchen appliances (like a freezer, refrigerator etc.) to prepare food differently come with a price tag too. So, it’s not just that potentially offered piece of cake that’s causing me anxiety as I lie here jobless and napping. What if I end up working at a company with free lunch? That also terrifies me. I’d have to explain that I brought my own food, while they enjoy culinary delights from the in-house chef. So, yes, I’ll buy the daily meal, put on a cheerful facade, and do anything to please people. During my most depressive moments, these same people are there to say, “this too shall pass, sweetheart.” Or if I were to receive a diabetes type 2 diagnosis, they’d be the ones holding my hand. Or if I’ve emptied my bank account during yet another eating binge caused by the snowball effect, they’d be the ones replenishing my funds. Right?

This aspect of people-pleasing is genuinely challenging, and I find myself conflicted. I want to have control over what goes into my body, and yes, that statement carries both a literal and figurative weight. But I’m not sure if I have it in me to say, “no, thanks” the next time someone offers me their birthday cake. Instead of politely saying “no, thanks”, I’ll just nod and swallow. What’s new?

Written with the help of chatGPT🤖