🔥 LORENA 🔥

Deeply flawed

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Grieving ritual yesterday

After nourishing myself with healthy, budget-friendly comforting homemade food for my soul, my stomach feels full, a sudden sadness washes over me. I shut down all my devices because it’s 15:00, and the app block has just begun. I wonder why I feel so sad despite having enjoyed a nourishing, warm, and budget-friendly two-course meal. Not because I noticed how I could improve the meal. Perhaps it’s because I just finished drawing a portrait of my late mother. By doing so, I put myself in front of the eyes that I yearn to be loved by. My declaration that I am worth it to be loved, regardless of the feedback: I am present, I am open. To reach this openness, the receiving hole in my heart, I need to release whatever is blocking it. I need to grieve, let go of the memories of feeling unloved, and missing out on warmth and love.

This sadness feels cold, so I wrap myself in a hand-knitted blanket I received. The grieving process is intense, involving the act of letting go. I scream, cry, hug a pillow, and squeeze it tightly in this safe environment to release tension.

Letting it all out to create space, to get closer to that sweet and gentle open heart. Tissues clear my nostrils, allowing me to breathe deeply, cry, and continue until I’ve exhausted my tears.

Letting it all in, all the messages that confirm I’m loved by myself and others. I accept all the proof, signs, and affirmations that I am worthy of love. The first few words make me weep. Those kind words are for me? Wow! Suddenly, the words touch my heart deeply. I feel loved, when I’m truly open (emotionally available). When I’m this open and receive love, I weep. My body temperature warms up again, and I relax. I could take a nap, maybe even sleep until the next morning since I only had six hours of sleep. In this calm, open state after my grieving ritual, I can see myself improving in the art of vulnerable communication because it comes from an open heart. The vibration of my tone is open, sincere, gentle, caring, and warm.

So I can let a special friend in, all the way in, deep into my heart. Yes, I mean prolonged, intense eye contact deep, crying and comforting each other deep, in an exciting setting. Solidifying our unique connection, gradually t(h)rusting each other even more intently and intimately. Dare I say, all-the-way-in-deep sex trumps makeup sex and new sex combined!

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Freshly delicious homemade (well-marinated & well-seasoned!) favorite food, specially prepared and presented for me in an exciting atmosphere, trumps a favorite dish reheated on the comfy couch and a buffet with new things to try combined! All of them sound yummie. Just picture and maybe even taste the difference. The first makes me feel loved, seen, special, and excited. The second makes me feel loved. The third makes me feel excited.

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1. All-the-way-in-deep sex 🥇
2. Makeup sex 🥈(ex sex included)
3. Kinky sex 🥉(like dom/sub)
4. I hate/strongly dislike you sex
5. Secret sex
6. New sex*

*Newness used to be in the first place, but after trying various flavors, they all start to resemble each other a bit. Exciting, but it’s as if I can predict how something tastes before I’ve even tried it. I can still strongly desire it, but I wouldn’t necessarily chase it just for the sake of novelty. Novelty with a significant chance to go deeper, that’s a different story. So new is now in the last place, and I love new a lot. Imagine how much I love the new first place🥇.

Written with the help of chatGPT 🤖