🔥 LORENA 🔥

Deeply flawed

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Transitioning from a zero-tolerance mindset to learning how to be more accepting, I’m uncertain if I can truly make that shift. My journey has involved a significant effort to leave behind the “B” rooms in this Cluster house laden with profound taboos. Despite my best intentions, I’ve found myself partly inhabiting a “C” space near the exit, a more socially acceptable one, but still very rigid and strict towards myself. I’m still in the same house, yet in another room where I’m aiming to exert more control and rigidity over my choices.

While I’ve certainly reduced the frequency of my taboo missteps with a stoic, militant, almost robotic approach, I still struggle to come to terms with the flexibility to behave like a human. Thus, I intend to be kinder and more patient with myself starting as soon as possible. More encouragement to sleep earlier, deeper and longer, more time on weekends to embrace moments of leisure. Pursuing goals on weekdays while also enjoying leisurely moments on the weekends.

I aim to disassociate from the idea that spending time leisurely on weekends is wasteful. And if I choose to sleep in a bit after a dance class in the evening, ensuring I get the 6-9 hours of sleep I need, I need to learn how to be more patient this choice. This leniency might also foster creativity and decisiveness when organizing my daily schedule.

The progress I’ve made over the past few years since therapy is astonishing. I never thought I could navigate life without therapy or without someone holding my hand. Now, I’m learning to hold my own hand. Can I learn to be more patient with myself, even when I stumble along the way? These are questions I hope to answer in the coming month as I embark on this journey of patience, flexibility, creativity, and decisiveness.

I’m prioritizing sleep by using an app blocker again and, by setting my alarm later. This means more sleep but less time the next day for meditation and exercise. This time I’m using the app blocker to block certain apps at least two hours before bedtime.

Weekends will become a haven for relaxation and leisure, and I may use affirming words to remind myself that I can savor life at my own pace.

I aim to follow approximate time frames rather than rigid schedules, focusing more on the duration of tasks. Instead of strictly 09:00-10:00, allowing tasks to happen between, for example, 9:15 and 10:15 or at a different time if needed.

As I regain better sleep patterns, I’ll gradually start waking up earlier. Because I still cherish the serenity of the night and the tranquility of the morning.

This journey is about finding a balance between being generous to myself and still feeling proud of my discipline. I need to learn the art of flexibility. It might mean that I achieve my goals at a slightly slower pace, as I shift a due date to the nearest Monday when it originally happens to fall on a weekend.

What I genuinely want to cultivate is the skill to savor life, relax, and create space for missteps. I also acknowledge that I can be more generous with my food choices, even while maintaining portion control, I can still create a warm sensory experience of food, including taste, texture, and presentation.

The rigidity was needed, because it helped me silence Perfecti. This silence was needed and crucial, to develop more resilience. Now, I have more room to develop healthy time management skills with greater flexibility.

The path ahead feels uncertain but it is necessary to develop all these skills, to feel both calm and proud at the same time.

I weathered the storm, now it’s time to learn how to dance in the rain!

Written with the help of chatGPT🤖