The sunny beginning
Born under the Caribbean sun on CuraΓ§ao. From the age of 2 raised in the West Frisian Hoorn in the Netherlands. Hoorn felt like a big village; after a while, I started to recognize a lot of faces. Now as a 31-year-old Iβm living in The Hague also in Holland. The feeling that a lot of people know each other in Den Haag β as we call it here β is smaller. Pro: being unknown to this degree opened up my eyes that the world doesnβt revolve around me. Con: the feeling of being unseen also feels lonely. Therefore Iβm more aware of this sadness. Who knows where my next home will be located. Iβm aiming for somewhere near the beach. Until then Iβm sharing the front door with 3 others and the bathroom and the kitchen with just one of them. I would describe my private space as relatively small compared to my peers. I try to accept the size of my home by searching for other ways to feel valuable. My longing to live bigger to feel more valuable may say something about my look on materialism.
The sad now
There is a temporary benefit to living as I do though. I am less aware of the loneliness. The lack of awareness numbs the excruciating pain, void. Feeling lonely doesnβt depend on being surrounded by people obviously. I feel lonely because I abandoned my needs. For example, I could be surrounded by a lot of people who show me they care and still feel lonely. I cannot clearly recognize my need for love yet. How do I receive, what I can’t see? For example: if someone gave me a gift, all I’d see was air, the gift was invisible to my eyes emotionally. The gifts (of love) I received in my life were hard to receive, let alone be thankful for, because of my disconnection with this need. Imagine the frustration on the giving end. I wish upon my exes, a partner who can receive all the gifts they want to give. All of my exes have big hearts – they gave many gifts in several forms, spoiled me rotten – some just had more patience than others. Now single since the end of summer 2019, I crave to be whole and fulfilled first before the next commitment. Maybe I’ll stay single forever, but my relationship status is not my priority, meeting my needs in a healthy way is. Such as my need for love. My ‘love-cup’ was empty because I never thought my cup deserved to be filled. Not many attempts of pouring into my love-cup by myself or others went successfully. The love I canβt receive from myself, I can barely receive from others. The love I canβt give myself I cannot give to others (without resentment). Accepting the choice I once made and am still making to abandon and to ignore (some of) my needs forces me to take responsibility. Taking the responsibility to care for my needs will contribute to my maturity. Maturing, by not ignoring my needs anymore means beating the shit out of the progressively louder speaking Godzilla-like inner critic. The inner critic is withholding my love-cup and saying: “You’ll get the love-cup when I feel you deserve it. First, do all of these tasks and maybe you’ll deserve it. You’ll probably don’t deserve it, so you cannot try hard enough.” My inner critic wants me to believe that I’m undeserving of love, or sometimes even life. If my loneliness were to be at least manageable and my inner critic beaten to death (just kidding, sending him away should be enough) after schema therapy my world would feel safe(r). I would be able to connect with my feelings again and those of others. I would feel connected. Less lonely. I will explain more about my mental health on this page.
The appearance
Before I elaborated on this βdarkβ part of mine I was describing how I magically appeared out of nowhere on this perfect planet, we call earth. Let me continue. I was born in the Netherlands Antilles, not by being dropped out of the sky, but like β most β humans after being nourished in a womb for 9 months, born in a hospital. My mother was also born on CuraΓ§ao and my deceased father was born on Aruba. They created the composition of this hair structure. My hair strands are a reflection of my heritage. More about my hair on this page.
