In March 2018 I got the diagnosis: borderline, PTSD, PMS, depression and avoidant personality disorder. On this page, I will explain the technical side of my mental pain. Letβs take a closer look at how the diagnosis translates itself. There are different modes active in my mind. The healthy parent mode(Loreen), the toxic parent mode(Perfecti), the happy child mode(Leentje), the hurt child mode(Leentje) and the survival mode(Lorena). Lorena compensates by seducing/being performance-driven. She protects the child mode β which I call Leentje β from feeling the overwhelming fear of abandonment. How does Lorena protect Leentje? Lorena protects Leentje by showing off, demanding attention, manipulating, controlling. Lorena learned in life to trade these for conditional love. Not doing so meant not receiving love. To compensate is to receive love.
Leentje however, never got the chance to understand that she is worthy of unconditional love. Which left shame (believe: I am unworthy), a big void and the strong belief that love is conditional. In therapy, Iβm learning to develop a healthy adult mode, which I call Loreen. Loreen helps Leentje by taking care of her needs. Loreen helps Leentje to believe that she is worthy (believe: I am and I have nothing to be ashamed of, I am worthy of sharing what I choose to share, I am worthy of privacy) of Loreen’s unconditional love as well. The more Loreen stops the shame (Perfecti), the more Loreen affirms Leentje’s worth and the more Leentje believes in her own worth, these affirmations, the more Leentje’s need for privacy increases. That’s why Lorena moves over to a more protected space.
Meet Lorena in a protected space. Password = Private
Loreen gives Leentje love in different kinds of ways. She tries to give her princess love through every love language. Word of affirmation by listening to affirmations for self-love. Acts of service by making Leentjeβs favorite dishes. Quality time by meditating. Physical touch by massaging her. Receiving gifts by expressing gratitude. Loreen is meeting the needs of Leentje by showing her love.
