I am unsatisfied with my subconscious choices. They temporarily alleviate old pain. I am unaware of my needs because they are unimportant to me. This results in a disordered way of thinking, the absence of a healthy adult mode, and the inability to connect, communicate with healthy adult modes of others. I feel more lonely, discouraged, disappointed, distraught, and powerless because of it (follow how I feel on a daily basis). I become emptier. In the absence of my healthy adult mode, I cling on to things and to those who temporarily alleviate old pain. I repeatedly remind myself to please them, which leaves my needs unmet. It seems like nobody can undo what I went through. Nobody can undo that I missed out on a lot. So unfair! Which makes me feel confused about who to blame, punish or criticize. This furiousness destroys everything I love. My inability to accept old pain as a loss keeps me from grieving. I need a safe place to grieve. I need to sit with it, listen to it, get to know it, and see the beauty behind it.
