🔥 LORENA 🔥

Deeply flawed

🌪

Primal

Being safer to feel vulnerable sometimes overwhelms me. There’s more to take in and sometimes less time to process healthily. That’s why I need help putting things into perspective, so I’m open to professional help again. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to handle sexually charged interactions independently. Some of those encounters trigger my sexual blueprint. That part of me is very young and underdeveloped, unfortunately. What I would like to be able to do is have passionate sex, yet feel less afraid to be vulnerable. Due to my sexual blueprint, I’ve become convinced that sexual contact results in me not being allowed to talk to other men. That nowhere else is safe. This feels suffocating, like I’m trapped, weighed down, and I love to dance (horizontally as well)! I feel afraid it will spiral out of control if I talk to other men. From this mental prison, social isolation, I’m trying to escape step by step and have no desire to end up in another one. This last sentence shows that I need help exploring step by step, learning to trust again, and making healthier choices. There are is a mental list of people I’d love to consistently and passionately sexually explore, but I’m afraid to do so while showing my backbone. So, to become more sexually open and less afraid, and also to make healthy choices, I need more help.

Next to this help, I need to balance more between producing and consuming. Ideally, every other week, I’d set aside about 8 hours for pure consumption – like binge-watching a series or listening to the waves at the beach, opening up to receive more of the world’s beauty. Today, I spent 4 hours consuming (without any subtle productivity!), and I already feel a difference. Normally, Wednesdays are reserved for cooking, but as I adjust my eating routine to fit the warm season and find more tranquility this week, I’m reminded of how enriching consuming can be. Tomorrow’s a national holiday, so I’m eagerly anticipating another blissful 8 hours of uninterrupted, budget-friendly and close-to-my-baseline consumption. It just might leave me feeling more calm.