🧸 Q-time 🧸

Child mode*: primary school teacher/mother

Survival mode**: professional massage therapist or professional cuddler

Healthy adult mode: …

* I’d say yes to doing this for just one day, instead of long-term. My energy levels—and consequently my patience—are limited, so I’d likely slip into survival mode if I tried to sustain it.

Plus, I don’t have a squeaky clean reputation, so it wouldn’t fit my toxic parent mode expectations of someone in an exemplary role. Doing it anyway, I’m afraid, would activate my toxic parent mode even more.

However, since I was a child, I’ve wanted to be like my mother or my primary school teacher. My mother was my first female role model, and I looked up to my parents early on. My primary school teacher, on the other hand, she made me feel seen and was kind that I just wanted to be like them.

**For one day yes, I’m specifically thinking of massaging or hugging people as a way to soothe. One way or another, physical touch is how I’ve felt alive —it’s how I feel I exist. It’s a vital love language for me.

But long-term, it’s incompatible with the phase I’m in; I’m vulnerable in that area, and I’m afraid of the slippery slope. It carries a weight that makes long-term engagement like this complicated.

Giving in to this physical gray area creates, I’ve noticed, unrest and distraction from what I need. I’m in a phase where I regularly prioritize peace of mind.