🖊 WRITE 🖊

Because my father was very generous—not just with money and gifts, but also with hugs, wise words (free college lectures on philosophy, psychology, sociology, or abstract topics like programming or math on a regular basis after puberty), and making me laugh often, even frequently calling me by my favorite nickname, “Papi su dushi”. He also wanted to take up a new hobby together in his quieter years—tennis—which I saw as an invitation for quality time.

Because of all this, I developed the belief that my abundance was tied to him. As a result, I kept seeking similar external validation. Somehow, it finally seems to click. I was already abundance, and he wanted me to have everything that came with that.

In his own way, he did everything he could to give that —drawing a villa and having it built on my birth island, moving to the country I now live in to create more opportunities, ensuring there was always food on the table, which allowed me to have joyful moments in my childhood.

Over the years, without unnecessary noise, I see it more and more clearly: I realize more and more that I love him unconditionally, and he did the best he could. If he could read this, I would like to thank him again—for the way he fathered me, for allowing me to experience the feeling of abundance in the first place. I once felt it—a true sense of abundance—mainly because of him and his generosity. And I thought it could only come through him or a father figure. That feeling of abundance. And so, I felt/feel very uncertain about how to give that to myself.

Giving myself everything financially provides a temporary high, but now that I have less than during my financial peaks, the feeling of abundance seems to become more my own. Maybe believing that I am worthy and loved is a prerequisite for feeling abundance.

Although my financial situation is far from what his was back then, I am starting to feel that sense again. So perhaps that feeling was never really about money—it was a consequence of what he wholeheartedly wished for me, allowing me to feel abundance.

I am abundant abundance.