🔥 LORENA 🔥

Deeply flawed

🌪

Yesterday is gone. If only I had enjoyed it more. If only I could have held onto it. If only it could last forever. If only I could capture this moment. I realize I have several choices to make now, feeling this emptiness. Normally, I experience this restlessness, what I call the emptiness, the contrast with a high-energy moment, and I make sure there’s an activity to match that same high, to tuck away the emptiness. Because the emptiness feels unpleasant, uncomfortable. My intention would then be: I want yesterday back, and it makes me sad that it’s gone, instead of: I want to go out and feel excited to explore! Making the choice to go again with the first intention may lead to disappointment, because yesterday is gone.

Learning to cherish a beautiful moment that has passed and continuing to take great care of myself is relatively new to me. I enjoyed the surroundings, the people, and the sensations so intensely yesterday, and ended it in a healthy way. But how do I cherish these moments afterwards, healthily?

A little gift may help, though I didn’t use hair oil yesterday. Perhaps I can get some in advance to use until the next moment I go out like yesterday (next to the solo spicy dates). Just like after the restaurant, I enjoyed the cookbooks, but I already knew before going that I would receive them, which made it easier to cherish the moment in the restaurant.

This restlessness reminds me of moments I missed my father. He would give me lots of love and then leave when he went on business trips, often outside the country. I had less sense of time, so our fun time together felt unstable and his departure so sudden! He would bring gifts from these trips, which didn’t make up for everything but confirmed he thought of me when he was gone. One time on his day off, he decided to buy me a dog, a blonde Labrador :). I still smile when I think of how spontaneous my father could be.

A new part of my process, of which I am more aware today, is cherishing. So, anticipation, preparation, execution, cherishing. That’s how I could cherish yesterday, savoring it with a small gift (to fit my budget), preferably something that serves a practical purpose. In this case, a sweet-scented hair oil to massage my scalp (to redirect the blood flow), which I can use just like the cookbooks, up until the next date and after. I’ll continue to create a safe space and happy place step by step, both indoors and outdoors, while go through it and sit with it.