🔥 LORENA 🔥

Deeply flawed*

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Am I competing with something else, other than his own freedom of choice? To what extent am I allowed to encourage him to prioritize me consistently?

At certain points in my life, I have learned that making myself available, presenting myself as well as possible, and having a welcoming demeanor can foster closeness. Trying to discover and enjoy the world outside my home is a way to learn how to make myself available, present myself as best as possible, and allow a welcoming demeanor to encourage closeness.

The beauty of having a type, as opposed to believing there is only the one, only one person I feel sexually attracted to, is that it opens up a world of possibilities and makes me less dependent on his choice for me. I have often chased this kind of validation. That’s why I try to prioritize my need to discover and enjoy now, regardless of whether he consistently prioritizes me. And I try to remain open to the idea that multiple people can fit this “position.” It takes some getting used to, that it’s really possible to have a good relationship, not with multiple men at the same time but one at a time. Multiple men fit the “role”, and as someone who likes to keep everyone happy, I find it quite difficult to choose in such a situation.

I picture myself sitting in a restaurant, waiting for his call—will he come too? Or will I be sitting here alone? That dependency on just his validation doesn’t bring out the best in me. I tend to seek validation elsewhere then, to feel less ashamed and less afraid of rejection/abandonment. So now that I’m single, I want to find out how I can truly enjoy the moment there in that restaurant, without seeking validation from outside. I want to find out how to be present, present myself, yet without seeking any validation in a restaurant, where I sit longer than 15 minutes(compared to drinking one cocktail within 15 minutes at a bar).

How would I entertain myself in a restaurant if I only validated myself? I hope to find that out. So, upcoming spicy outings: restaurant & wine, spa & champagne, and then bar & cocktail again.

*I am still organizing my thoughts on this topic, but I wanted to share them nonetheless