🔥 LORENA 🔥

Deeply flawed

🌪

So much peace, order, and structure, and yet so restless inside. This overreaction makes me speak more critically to myself and then feel ashamed. On the other hand, it’s quite logical: On a clean plate, I can see all the imperfections. I can see the slight cracks and discolorations, the dents. My plate is clean, or at least getting cleaner. Because of this, more imperfections are visible. Without a social mask and without a well-developed healthy adult mode, a small, fragile girl remains, who is gradually growing stronger. But my appearance doesn’t look like that little girl, or at least at first sight maybe. Being alone with my thoughts at home was a daunting idea when I was a teenager; now I feel much more comfortable at home (regardless of the house I’m in), so much so, it’s hard to get me to go anywhere else! Being myself in a group is still tense (group training helps a lot though), but I also see the vulnerability of others more, which makes it less intimidating to show my own vulnerability. I want to be able to prioritize showing it consistently regardless, but that’s less realistic at this moment. Right now, I’m mostly concerned with what the other person needs and then look into my communication toolkit*, frustrated that I can’t find something quickly🥲. But the first step is taken: I can now see others’ needs a bit more—because although there is still noise inside, it’s less—

and I’m a little proud of that.

*This is a challenge because translation is needed; Something pleasant(reassuring/soothing/encouraging etc.) I want to say to their inner child, but without overlooking the fact that they are adults. It does feel more comfortable to say or do(yes, I like to give hugs, and dance together:)) something pleasant to someone I already know a little or someone who is very open and receptive.