Trust

I trust many people with my safety during the day; otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to cross the street without constantly checking if it’s safe. I assume that others live or survive without the intent to harm, so I adopt a less hyper-vigilant attitude(than before), yet remain somewhat aware. I trust less people when it comes to verbalizing what I truly feel, think, or believe at any given moment, even fewer know my dreams, my wishes, and very few see how deeply I care about people. It’s remarkable that I still care, and even stranger that some see that I still do. I used to hide it so well behind my mechanisms, but they’re becoming less effective now. These walls were meant to protect against the pain, while I would rather stand open-armed towards the world.

Recently, I realized that I want to help those I see as the most vulnerable. This doesn’t make me a hero, but not a victim either. Just someone with a choice to give. I want to help these groups find a safe place(because I experienced a glimpse of it, and it’s so lovely!), without getting into politics but by researching existing facilities and helping to expand them. The groups** include:

– People who are dying

– Elderly with dementia

– Vulnerable women in specific circumstances

– Neglected children

The goal is not to save them but to guide them towards self-reliance and provide supportive facilities. When self-reliance is impossible, the aim is to create a soothing and maybe even a pleasant experience of the moment. To maximize sensory experiences without overwhelming, but rather to connect with them with the beauty of the moment. It seems to come full circle; first, I learned in therapy to stand still in the moment, then I became increasingly aware of the beauty of the moment, and now I want to share that gift. For all the groups I want to help, the present moment is often the most tangible and achievable, perhaps providing temporary relief, satisfaction, and maybe even fullfilment. I’m not sure how I’ll accomplish this or if I’ll make a difference with this choice, but I’ve noticed that soothing activities counter feelings of discouragement and powerlessness in myself, when I choose to be consistent (which is my biggest challenge).

So, I trust no one(except the purest source*), yet at the same time, I do—just in a different way.

* Whom I trust with my safety, feelings, thoughts, beliefs, dreams, and wishes, and how much I care about people.

** possible feelings in common, like powerlessness and discouragement and the – temporary – inability to choose consistency to take care of themselves.