🖊 WRITE 🖊

I see my inner child, whom I will refer to as Leentje in this text (in therapy, I learned to address this side of me in the 3rd person), more clearly now, noticing Leentje’s sadness and discouragement. I realize the need to soothe her when sad and encourage her when discouraged. In general, Leentje feels curious about the world inside and around her.

She appreciates vibrant and funny things and enjoys sensory experiences like colors, scents, and flavors. She values repetition of healthy activities, rituals, and traditions. These activities create a sense of stability and something pleasurable to look forward to. Laughter helps her be present, and she is still discovering what makes her laugh the hardest.

She loves parties. That’s why she creates little parties on her plate. Having a say in what happens feels new to Leentje and makes her feel important, even if it is on her plate. Even if it means getting to add extra cheese, meat, fruit, or whipped cream, etc.

She often feels shy when expressing attentiveness to others. Reassurance – from my healthy adult mode, which I call Loreen – is needed to express this side towards someone else.

Due to various reasons such as circumstances and temperament, Leentje may be prone to shyness, sadness, or discouragement, as well as curiosity. She needs to be regularly soothed, encouraged, and sensory stimulated, and motivated to follow her curiosity. Therapy, including group therapy feedback, helped identify the needs behind the survival mode – which I call Lorena – tendencies. Despite new challenges like silence and a growing receptiveness to the world around Leentje, the gifts these bring, like more patience, make her feel proud and a sense of gratitude. Loreen now understands more about why Lorena had a tendency for chaos🌪 as a distraction and how impulsiveness made Leentje feel excited a lot. Because the silence, oh the silence. Which was overwhelming at first. After therapy, grieving rituals, seeing my own shadow, light, and that of those closest to me, the silence just made Loreen aware of what Leentje feels. Out of nowhere, baby Leentje arrived at my house, crying, almost unstoppable, and with the tools from therapy, Loreen created a manual specifically for her step by step. This silence finally allowed Loreen to sit with what Leentje feels and develop the skills – with tools Loreen fortunately learned in therapy – to take care of her step by step.

Who knows, maybe with more stability and more energy, Loreen might have room here and there to do more spontaneous things, but that’s next level (The challenge lies in coming back from feeling very excited and finding joy again in the daily things, to maintain stability). Now at times, it feels like Loreen can barely hold it together. These new muscles take time to grow👩🏾‍🌾.